Sat (Fishy's B/Day)

I'm still very tired. I was up much of the night excited about my friends birthday. Friends on the forum are going to her party. She is in the Uk so I couldn't go. I'm not well enough to travel that far. I did call her and it was a delight. She was having a wonderful time. She deserves it. She had every side effect you can have from tx. She just finished up right after me.
I'm still swimming every day. It's been quiet the last two days. So I'm very tired and in bed much of the time. Not much more to say.

Lots happened

Lets see...where to start. My good friend was in California on vacation with her kids. We emailed back on forth all week. I went to Church Sunday and felt so detached with all my old friends. I felt alone. I've been alone. I emailed my friend on how I just don't like it in the ward and want to join the Spanish one. I was feeling so lonely. I forgot she is one of the leaders over the women right now. In our Church we get callings. That is hers right now. I have not had one for so long since I've been sick. So my friend felt bad for the Church letting me down. Usually the laddies when asked will bring in meals for sick people. They would give rides, anything if I just asked. I guess a miscommunication from them thinking my kids were caring for me or I needed privacy. She felt so bad and almost cried when she called. So she came by when she got back from holiday. We hugged and talked. Now many people have taken me to lunch, planned to take me to lunch. I've had dinner brought two nights by the same friend. So nice. Last night the kids went out without eating with me. Tonight we had dinner together. It was so nice to have a whole meal at the kitchen table. To have someone bring it by was fantastic. To eat it together and talk, laugh, be a family was the best gift I could hope for.
Even on treatment when I haven't been myself, it seems the family is forgiving. I'm forgiving. We love each other. I'm sure there will always be trials in my life and the lives of my children. Its good for us.

blood tests

I got my test results back today. Good news. Still HCV negative!! The bad news my red blood count is worse then when I was on tx. No wonder I'm feeling low. I'm feeling at ease knowing its not all in my head. I stayed in bed most of the day after I found that out. I need to heal and be easy on myself.

I wrote that yesterday. Now its Saturday, I'm still quiet in bed exhausted. No emotion. Letting my body do what it wants today. I'll do the same tomorrow after Church. Maybe by Monday I'll have picked up some. I've heard from others that my body has been through a lot having the hep-c and now tx. Thinking I only had a six month duration, I was prepared to get back to life right away. I have these goals I want so much to achieve. Must settle down and wait a bit longer.

I believe this is a small bit of time compared to our eternal progression. And this bit of time has some of the biggest challenges but some of the best rewards if we endure it well. So this storm is not over yet. I am pleased with the inner strength I didn't know I had. I'm also thankful for the others that have endured this storm thats just passed my way. Also those in the storm with me. Its nice to comfort and encourage one another. This history will always be a piece of who I am now.

good times

My son, daughter, her boyfriend, and I were invited to lunch by their Aunt. I was up early so I wouldn't be late. I took a swim and showered. I was the first one ready. When we got to the restaurant I saw Jeff came. He is a good friend of the family. He has very colorful style of humor. He really had me laughing. My uncle was like that. When I was little my uncle was the only one to get me to smile. I was a quiet shy thing. So we had lots of fun and laughter. My daughter's boyfriend passed the test of putting up with us.
I've had a few down days. Must be part of post tx blues. So today was a very good day.

Finding balance

I decided that I need to take my anti=ds each day till I'm stronger. I've been fighting the need to take them. The understanding of how they work, I've had to learn first hand. If not for myself, I need to take them for my family. I've taken a half a day for three days now. That is instead of a half every three days. I'm calming down. Feeling better. I've heard from some others off tx that they still have emotional days. Those coming off tx must remember to be gentle on themselves for a while yet.

I do have more energy. I went swimming tonight. My body is getting stronger. My mind is taking longer. Also I had a couple of difficult years before tx. Some times our emotions are buried and issues come out at the most awkward times.

I believe we need to have balance of mind, body, spirit. Tx has been difficult on all aspects so no wonder we need some time to recover.

Meltdown

Just a little added stress and a couple of bad dreams sent me into a meltdown. Just crying and emotions being felt. I want to explain the meds are still in your body for some time after you quit tx. Some post tx will recover quicker then others. I'm still fragile and feel like this is normal for what I've gone through. I'm strong and will do fine. I'm just worried about my kids seeing me go through this. Poor them. They don't have the maturity to understand and I'm sure it frightens them.
I'm still getting the headaches. It could be the heat. I have lots of energy now. That is a positive.
For now just holding myself together. I love my family so much. I am proud of the kids and how they live their lives. I can hear them downstairs with friends having fun, laughter. That makes me so happy. Things aren't always good. Normal family arguments happen. How I love family life...even the frustration of it all.
I will warn those about the tx that the interferon can play with your mind. Just ride out the storm. It does get better. Some don't get this side effect at all. But be prepared just in case.

My stylist

Can still over do it.

I didn't sleep well last night. Today, I felt so tired. Managed to swim but that is all. There was socializing with the kids. My daughter went through photos of me she had on line to get me a different profile photo. They were from her camera and I hadn't seen these. She also helped me go through my clothes. She is now officially my wardrobe stylist. I'm glad my daughter has talent in this department. So, I need a do over. We decided to wait another month since my size is shrinking. My body has been through a lot and is still trying to adjust to a new me. I've had the virus for 23 years. What will happen now? I don't know. I only hope to feel well and do good in my life.

Monday and getting a job!!

My daughter woke me last night to tell me she was watching the meteorites with friends till early morning. My son went out with a group to do this too. I would have preferred a note instead of being woken up. So I was grouchy. Be the time I got back to sleep it was in the middle of the night. My health is still fragile. I woke at eleven this morning. My daughter woke me to read scriptures. We have begun to read them each day as a family. My son wasn't home as he was a physical therapy for his knee. When he came home we read them. I love reading them and liken them to today. We are reading in the Book of Mormon which is stories of the Americas. Theses are accounts of ancient people here and prophets that led them. Anyway we started reading in a part called Alma. It make me think of Russian bombing Georgia. The part we were reading about was war of a large group trying to destroy a smaller group. The part we're reading was interesting as the ways of their warfare. Especially the small group outsmarting the large one. After we read a chapter, we talked a bit about daily things, then went our own ways. First I went for a swim. Then I went to a Mexican/American owned business to help with setting up quickbook. This guy told me he'd pay me for this job and I can do this at my own pace. This just happened randomly. I've helped this guy out before with some technical problems so he asked me to help with this. I also want to train myself on quickbook for my own business I hope to have later. I texted my kids about getting a payed job. Im so happy. Its been a worry to me about getting income since taking so much time off with hep-c treatment. This guy being part Mexican is more layed back so perfect for my health. He just said whenever I feel like doing it is fine. Can't ask for better then that. I bought the software for him and I'm studying the manual now at home.

Sunday (favorite day of the week)

I sleep in late. My body must have needed it. Sunday. Since I missed my family ward I went to Church at my son and daughter's young singles ward. Everyone that goes to the single wards are obviously single. There is one for my age by its too far. Since I'm not young I sat in the foyer to take sacrament. They play it on a speaker so I could hear them from in the Chapel. They have these wards so the young adults can meet up as they go to Church. They have activities through out the week. They even have a singles ward in London at the Hyde Park Building where I went. It was quite large. Today I did get a complement from my son that I had a nice suit on. I got a maron skirt at goodwill (charity shop). Its Ann Taylors and very nice.(I don't always have luck at those places) I put my on my white short sleeve suit jacket with it. Added some cute white sandals with heels. I had my hair down and my son complimented my my hair. I put it up again in a pony tail. Its too hot to wear it down. I'm still losing hair but my hair was so thick it looks better then before. I don't need to be talking about my looks but after tx my self esteem could use some compliments. So here I go being vain. I really shouldn't be. It doesn't matter. After this serious tx I feel different then before. Little things mean more now. Saying hi to the store clerk means a lot. Sometimes I think they could be working with hep-c and not know. Its on my mind a lot.
After Church today I came home and ate. I then watched the BYU channel. They had some good devotional talks on today. And I took my usual Sunday nap.
I'm feeling tired but I have always used Sunday to rest. I think its helped me with my hep-c to always have this one day to rest. This is just my normal Sunday tired feeling. Next week will be my second week off interferon. I'll see how I feel. Hopefully no nightmares will haunt my dreams.

Day 5

I didn't swim last night but did this morning. First morning without a headache. I was going to do some work for this friends shop. Couldn't find him so thats delayed and I'm glad to get out of it for today.

Had a bad night. Not due to my illness but something just as deadly. I had a nightmare about my ex (harms people like hep-c in human form) He was a con man that I married for 1.5 years. He opened up credit accounts in my name towards the end. Although I made a police report they didn't go after him. Although the case is still open. It's not easy in the US to prosecute a spouse. He was also on every internet dating site during our marriage. Having affairs. He had eight kids. I accepted them all. He went to Church. Was all a cover or he is so sick he can't tell right from wrong. He could be another jack the ripper for all I know. Would not surprise me. I feel emotionally raped. He is a lier and also a sex addict. People a sex addict is not someone that likes sex. Its a whole other dark side. It brings a coldness to a man or woman. Its too much to tell. Only his first wife and I know this darkness. So last night I had a nightmare about him. I went to turn on the house alarm while I slept. I accidentally pushed the panic button so the police had to come even though I called to stop them. And my eye still looks bloody from blood leakage because I took aspirin. So the officer checked my house. This nightmare has shaken me up. He still is out there doing harm. And women are his victims. He is using a military ID to get around on flights to the UK. He is dishonored discharged from the Navy. I didn't know that till I filled the police report. He also falsified documents to get into LSE and where we lived in London. I didn't know till I had the laptop checked over. I haven't told them because I needed tx and I wanted to be finished with this horrible mess maker. I will try to turn all over to authorities. He could have ruined me but I'm a tough one.
I went out to do an errand and thinking about the nightmare and him brought uncontrolled sobbing. I will just stay home till I'm not shook up. I'll be alright. He has sealed his fate. He has just made a problem for me to forgive and forget him. One problem is everytime I watch the news and see one of these guys that pop-off their wives I think of him. I'm so blessed that didn't happen. He tried to get life insurance on me. I found the papers. He would have trouble because of my hep-c. The main thing is I'm safe, he is gone, I found out about him and got out of the marriage fast. Its obvious I have some work to do or I won't have such horrible nightmares. His first wife and I compare our dreams. She is Native American and I'm part Native American. We both believe in our dreams telling us things. I called her but I remembered shes up seeing her mom on the reservation. No phone service there.

Day 4 of post tx

I got up to swim and by the time the daily headache was better my son was out by the pool. I just like to be alone. I did an errand and came home. I took a quarter of an anti-d. Then had stomach problems from the anti=d. That took a couple of hours to subside. I took a half of an anti d a few days ago. I will continue to take a quarter every few days and see how I do. I won't rush it. I'll go for a evening swim which will be very tranquil. I want to go to California next week but my eye is still bloody looking. Not attractive. I want to go to a Church Singles activity while in California. I like the people there. Here they are all in Clicks. Its like high school. Maybe its like that everywhere and I just haven't noticed. My tx buddy hepkittie went to Naples for her celebratory post tx trip. She has Italians around her and that is like adrenaline. So she should be getting energy just from her surroundings. Can't wait to hear about her trip.

Next day

Last night very achy. Maybe from swimming.
Woke up with bad headache again. Got up and saw myself in the mirror. My right eye was bloody. My mistake was taking the aspirin for the headaches too soon. That thins the blood. I'll get my bloods done next week. I had the blood orders sent in the mail. I canceled my appointment today for the GI doctor. No use paying 50 dollars for my weight and blood pressure. I will see my primary doctor next week for pain meds and b12 shot. This next year my goal will be to come off the pain meds or get on a lower dose.

I did swim this morning. Felt great. Still had headache so went back to bed. Had nice talk with the kids today. Nice to talk to them about who they're dating and their lives. Nice to have that closeness. During tx my mental state was so much worse. They didn't want to talk to me much during tx as you never know how I'd react or what I'd say. The one thing that helped me feel the closeness from the family was having family prayer each day. So simple and yet so many benefits. I remember when they were little and we'd have family prayer before they went off to school. It was nice. We all liked it. Sorry, getting off track but maybe not. That was part of tx and it helped me stay bonded to the family.

I went swimming again this afternoon. Only did a few laps. My muscles were aching last night. I have to remember my blood will take a little time to level off so I need to be careful. I will try drinking more water tonight. That may help the headaches.

Day 2 of 1 week post tx.

I'm going to keep writing in this blog. Hopefully the post tx part of this blog will give hope to others. Thats what I'm counting on. I woke this morning with a horrid headache. Yesterday I swam and then showered and went to the Temple. Was tired all night. As I woke, I was sick in bed till about noon. I had enough of the sickness. So I took an excedrin. They are good for headaches but have aspirin in them. Couldn't take it during tx. I just took one and it did the trick. So I went for another swim. Swimming is best for your joints since you are weightless. Also it uses all the muscles at once. Its the lazy mans workout. Thats me. :) Maybe I'll sweat some of the toxins out of me in that heat. Of course it gave me a headache again.
The guy that takes care of the pool came by. He has hep-c and his brother also has it. After seeing his brother go through a year of tx and not have success, he does not want to tx. I talked to him today to show him I'm doing great (maybe not in the head). I told him about Nomads support but he isn't interested for awhile. Seems timing is everything for tx. Next time I'll tell him I'll talk to his brother if he'd like.

Good beautiful moment

You know the beautiful moments you have. Maybe a sunset or watching children play. I have one of the sweetest just now and only because of all I've been through for 6 months. I found my swim suit from a couple of years ago. I had thought I got rid of it. Its my favorite suit so happy it was still here. I put it on and it fit. Another happy moment. I put on lots of sunscreen and went into the pool for a swim. It felt so good, I can't tell you how good it felt. And went I got out it felt even better. I had that good buzz in my head from real exercise.

Pool surfing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCajzn5PV8s&feature=email


The guy in the suit is Travis. My son is video taping. I love the contrast of the swimming pool as the background, but instead of wearing a swim clothes he wears a business suit. He is pool surfing and then doing flips and dives. Good music in the background. Its a feel good video. And his Dad (a builder) has a nice pool.

Attitude (wanted to share this)

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and
noticed she had only three hairs on her head. 'Well,' she said, 'I think I'll braid my hair today.'
So she did and she had a wonderful day. The next day she woke up, looked in
the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.'H-M-M,' she said,
'I think I'll part my hair down the middle today.' So she did and she had a grand day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. 'Well,' she said, 'Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail.' So she did, and she had a fun, fun day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.
'YAY!' she exclaimed. 'I don't have to fix my hair today!'

Attitude is everything.

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
Live simply,
Love generously,
Care deeply,
Speak kindly.......
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...

It's about learning to dance in the rain!!!!

Have a Great Day!